The Art of Holding Contrast

I’m tousling with something today… it’s the contrast of feeling this deep sense that I’m completely okay and everything is good, while simultaneously feeling pain laced with sadness, loss, and yearning.

 

It’s so fascinating to me that we can hold both of these feelings at the same time. It can be both daunting yet completely expansive. In the span of 30 seconds I can shift between feeling all the good of the world, to all if it’s pain. The Yin & the Yang, the light in the darkness and the darkness in the light.

 

As I sit here watching these emotions comes and go and come and go. I watch my mind flip in every direction, and land right where it started. Feeling wave after wave. A wave of joy, a wave of sadness, a wave of hope, a wave of panic, a wave of yearning, a wave of peace.

 

It’s a reminder that no matter where you are in life, no matter how grounded you are, no matter how much love you’ve seen and felt. No matter how much you trust the universe has your back or you surrender to the process, these very real, very human feelings come up. The pain, the vulnerability, the sadness, the yearning, the fear.

 

This contrast is hauntingly beautiful. When are hearts are open, wide wide open it’s going to hurt, but it’s a new kind of hurt. One that at it’s base there is a deep knowing you’re okay, the situations okay, everyone around you is okay, it’s all okay. A deep knowing the highest and deepest parts of you remain unscathed.

 

As we ebb and we flow with these emotions and the waves of life, it’s a skill not to get swept away in them. To not be enveloped or cocooned but to find that stillness within yourself, and just be on the ride. Not trying to change them, to rationalize them or to make them go away. But to surrender to them with a deep sense of knowing it’s all okay.

 

I watch myself now and try to pinpoint the things I do that are reactionary.

I got a text that made me feel anxious and walk to the kitchen for a snack.

 

I had a moment in life that made me feel good, and in response I finally replied to all the texts I’d been neglecting.

 

I feel ungrounded, with no sense of security so I start reaching looking for a new job, a new school, a new place to live, a new haircut, an immediate change.

 

 

And the more I grow to watch, the more I see what fuels my actions. How I get into unsavory pickles and moments of sticky gooey stickiness. I step back and see the chain of events and without judgment notice, accept, and learn. And here’s the funny thing, as I learn more, as I observe more, as I see the reactions… I don’t always have the power to stop them. Sometimes I just have to watch myself caught in the feedback loop not liking it but not being able to bow out. Which evokes all kinds of new and challenging feelings.

Eventually, with enough repetition of this watching, I start slowly breaking the loop, the habitual cycles and when I do there’s almost a rush. A new high to chase.

 

 

 

I’ve always been floored by the concept of logically knowing one thing, but not being able to convince your emotions to get on board. I logically know that a friendship of mine has recently ended, I see why, I see how it was the best path, I see the freedom it’s granted and can’t imagine it going a different way. Logically I’m 100% okay with the situation. But emotionally still find myself in moments swept up by the current of emotions stirred up when i’m confronted with a relic of those days. Deep down I know it’s okay, I’m at peace, but on this surface level I’m hurt, saddened, and mourn the loss of a karmic relationship. My stomach goes to knots and my mind goes to town as I replay the good, the bad, and the plot points that never came to fruition. I try and negotiate with my mind to drop the assumptions, to refocus the energy, to just be still. I keep cycling through the it all, until I can find a moment of stillness, of grounding, of that Okay-ness to anchor on. To keep myself from going too far down the spiral stair case.

 

It’s with a heavy and light heart I write this. With all the joy in the world, and all the sadness. With my wide open full of hurt, and hope. Full of impatience and stillness.

 

 

And it’s with these words I sign off, and sign myself over to surrender. To finish out today’s rollercoaster ride of all that is, all that was, and all that will never be.

 

-Lila